Lincoln’s Final Speech
Seconds after his assassination at Ford's Theatre, President Lincoln immediately stood up to give a speech, ensuring the nation of his tip-top health. The transcription of said speech was presumed lost to the ages - until today.
Two moments ago, something most peculiar shocked the nation. Well, I suppose it shocked me more than anyone. Yes, yes - it seems a stray object has infiltrated your beloved President's noggin. The rumors are true - my thought chamber has been rattled by a pesky cranial intruder of unknown-
Oh. A gun?
My, my.
No, this is not crowd work for Our American Cousin, of which I have been practicing for months. This is the cold, hard, truth of reality-
Wait, are they still performing?
Oh, yeah. That's fine. I know you're not supposed to talk during plays, but it seems that your precious Abraham has been bonked by a gun. Some fellow has decided to remove a chip off the old block. It seems like, you know, circumstantially, it should be allowed. But you and I both know, and can trust entirely that my-
God. Wow. Everyone's looking at me. Is it really that bad?
Can everyone nod more uniformly? I couldn't really gage-
Oh.
Uhh...
Okay.
America, it seems the prognosis is more dire than I expected. You'd really think they'd stop the play and extend a little sympathy to-
I will not be SUSHED. I am your PRESIDENT.
Yes, I know the play’s good. That’s why I came to-
Okay. Fine.
But fear not. Your free leader will be just okie-dokie, and will surely recieve medical treatment following his incredible speech. To prove my peak health, allow me to touch the back of my head to prove his confidence - oh - that's wet.
Wetter than your beloved president thought.
Hmm. Well, there comes a time when every president rises with a hole in his head, and 20....29....73...
Was that my brain?
The thinking part?
Or just my sopping little top hat?
I think my math lobe just slipped out.
Well, rest insured. Your old principal Lincoln is simply laying to lie down on his trusty favorite chair at the people's play. The funny play of follies.
On his chair with the sit..Mmmmvery comfortable and in minimimininmal pain
Istheplaystillgoing
vote linkey
does nanyone have napkin
