Kayleigh Birch, Whole World Tour
Jan. 1, 2015
Hello to my loyal, inspiring, and conventionally attractive fans! I know it’s been a while since we’ve last spoken, but I am SO excited to announce a few major life updates I’ve been sitting on for a while.
I have done my own research and determined that the “diarrhea hot tub incident” (popularized as “D-Gate” by NBC’s Lester Holt) - was NOT MY FAULT due to INADEQUATE SINAGE at Great Wolf Lodge, which never clarified how many hours “14 days” (arbitrary number) is.
My ukulele cover of “Astronaut in the Ocean” by esteemed fellow musician Masked Wolf (who, my lawyers have told me, has no connection to Great Wolf Lodge) has many hits and is projected to go viral this week! Please like the video, share it with someone who is almost deaf but not quite there yet, and comment what you found to be most shocking (if too many of you start commenting “the harmonica solo,” I will assume you didn’t watch all the way through and are not real fans).
I AM GOING ON TOUR!
Yes, the time has finally come. After years of reading your comments, tweets, and letters written in collaged magazine clippings (Microsoft Bing calls these “ransom notes,” but the ones I get are usually long enough to be in the “novella” terrain) - I hear you all loud and clear. You want me in a city near you, and starting this year, I will be (this is not a threat!).
Now, I’m aware that with average “popstar stadium tours,” fans are often left disappointed as these “artists” only visit major cities. I am thrilled to announce that the KAYLEIGH BIRCH WHOLE WORLD TOUR: THE 4D EXPERIENCE OF THE 5 SENSES IN RIVETING TECHNICOLOR (name TBD) will be in every city near you, from Rosario to Xinghua. Most “singers” would not make the trek to 10,000 different terrains to see each and every one of your teeth in your mouth as you smile…but I am not most singers. In fact, according to Pitchfork (or as I’ve spent the last 2 months coming up with, Bitchdork), I am not a singer at all.
I’ve been cooking up some exciting stuff with my managers which I will reveal in coming moments on Instagram Live. I still haven’t figured out how to unmute myself, but at this point, you guys are good at reading lips.
Peace and love,
Kayleigh
Nov. 3, 2015
Hey howdy hey (this is a quote from Woody in Toy Story, which I just watched. Why didn’t you guys tell me about this sooner?)
I know it’s been a moment since we’ve last spoken. For reasons I don’t need to say, 2015 was a whirlwind. From the thing that happened with the plane (very bad), to that orange Cheeto (still workshopping this nickname) Jeb Bush announcing a presidential run, and of course, my cameo in Ice Age: Continental Drift as the tantalizing yet tusky mammoth, Sugar Cube. I know how disappointed you are that the “adult mammoth scene” was scrapped from the final cut, but Ray Romano was afraid something so lewd would tarnish his public image after, famously, he was titularly loved in Everybody Loves Raymond. Rest assured, I am working with Blue Sky Studios to correct this, and make sure Raymond is never loved, nor respected, again.
But that’s not why I’m writing this update today. I am so excited to announce the set design for my tour. My managers and I have spent months working with 10,000 different venues across the world to design a set that can be transported to approximately 5-27 cities a day, depending on the schedule. When I design the set, I keep my fans in mind, from the visual vantage points, to the food, to the emergency exits. After pacing the halls endlessly at 3am, smoking long cigarettes like Mae West, and reading Laffy Taffy jokes until I lost my comprehension of the English language, I devised the perfect floor plan for my stage.
As you can see, there’s a lot to love, but there’s one standout detail - why is fat cat Antonin Scalia coming to the KBWWT: T4EOT5SIRT show, and why oh why does he have his own luxury recliner seat? The answer is simple. My publicist recently reached out to me telling me that Mr. Scalia is my first celebrity fan. This confused her heavily for reasons I don’t understand, and it confused me, too, because I have no idea who that is or how to spell his name. All I know is that music unites us, and if he’s paying a premium and will attract other celebbos to my show, he deserves to be in the best space in the house - right near the snakes and 500 feet from the bathroom.
As long as nothing happens to the venues or Mr. Scalia in the next 102-or-so days, we’re all set to kick off this tour.
Peace and love,
Kayleigh
Feb. 13 2016
Fuck.
Feb. 16 2016
Hi everyone. Please excuse my language from a few days ago. With the untimely death of fat cat Antonin Scalia, my team and I are going to have to reinvent how we look at each venue as a whole. I don’t know how long this may take, but I want to make sure that we maintain the quality of the layout in this unprecedented transition. Thank you for understanding.
Peace and love,
Kayleigh
May 4 2016
Greetings all. I am thrilled to report that after months of working, we came up with the new floor plan. I am confident that this reimagining will be just as exciting as the first iteration.
Deciding to rebuild the design from scratch was a difficult one, but I think it paid off in the end. Now that we have our foundation set, my team and I are going on to design the tour poster once the dates are solidified. I want this poster to be more than a piece of glossy paper. I want it to be an emblem of our connection, a talisman of good fortune, and an heirloom you’d pass onto your Goodwill all in one. I won’t let you guys down.
Peace and love,
Kayleigh
June 11 2016
H-h-h-h-h-h-h-hello (to be read as a DJ’s record scratch). As you all know, presale for KBWWT: T4EOT5SIRT goes LIVE tomorrow! You can get tickets on Ticketmaster, Live Nation, or my second site, kayleighbirch.gov. I am no longer allowed to sell goods or services in exchange for USD on this site after my “Sillybandz episode” (as coined by “The” “View”) overlapped with the sale of my original Wii Fit game (which, if you ordered, should be processing soon!). The game CDs are taking a while to make, as they are handmade with love.
I know everyone’s been waiting for a physical token to remember this incredible tour by. I didn’t want to put anything out until I knew it was perfect. I spent hours workshopping this poster with Dorothea Lange’s Hologram, and even though she sucks at using “Portrait Mode” on my iPhone, I’m thrilled with what we conjured up. I am so excited to present to you…THE OFFICIAL TOUR POSTER FOR KBWWT: T4EOT5SIRT!
These will be sold for a limited time only on my government-sanctioned site, but you will also be able to find them at the merch tent of every show. See if you can find your city on the poster!
Peace and love,
Kayleigh
November 8 2016
Aloha, cuties. I am so happy to see that over the past few months, through my verified fan presale, Ticketmaster sale, LiveNation sale, StubHub sale, Facebook marketplace sale, Groupon sale, giveaway (sale), and sale (bartering), so many of you were able to get tickets for tour. I am not able to currently disclose the numbers, but just know, they are currently huge and are projected to be equally as huge.
But that’s not why I’m writing this update today. On November 8, 2016, the unthinkable has happened. Against all timelines, polls, and projections, somehow - the world, and even bigger, America, stood still. Yes - this is my way of telling you all that I have completed the preliminary designs of my costumes for the opening number of the show (setlist TBA). Over the course of the week, I found many news outlets growing skeptical of my ability to complete this tour. I even saw loyal fans, and many usernames with lots of numbers in their handle, bashing my planning ability. I am here to put those rumors to rest. Here are some of the incredible costumes you will see me grace the stage in.
And of course, my classic outfit - an Apple Watch and ballet flats (nothing else, for maximum agility).
Talk soon.
Peace and love,
Kayleigh
November 9 2016
Hello all. I don’t like to come on here in a somber mood, but due to comments on my last update, I am going to have to disable the comment section on my site for a bit. This really pains me to do, as you all know how much I love interacting with each and every one of you that aren’t ugly, but I have to preserve my mental health here before tour. I hope you understand that reading comments that compare my likeness to “that raggedy ass eel from The Little Mermaid,” a “PILF” (?), and worst of all, “a dollar store Kevin O’Leary,” does not put me in the right headspace to deliver a show of both quality and quantity.
December 15 2016
Dearest, darling fans - it seems tensions have cooled regarding my “controversial” fashion choices. Even though E News called my outfits - and I quote - “coming up next” (whatever that means), I am going to stay true to my rococo fashion instincts. But - that’s not why I write you today. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what I owe you all. You’ve been with me for so, so long. Just thinking about our relationship (you give me money, I give you the will to live)…you deserve to know the openers for the tour. I think you’ll be thrilled to see I’ve picked some of the most talented musicians of late to add to my A-list roster. We’re very lucky to have them join us, and I can’t wait to add them to our little family.
Our openers are…
Dodge and His Durangos
The Zapruder Hooters
and…
Fogley
Each one of these fantastic groups have hundreds of songs prepared for you, and I know they can’t wait to get on that stage and make some sounds.
Pees and luv,
Kayleigh
March 18 2017
I think things have calmed down. I haven’t been on Twitter in a few days, but I haven’t seen #FireFogely, #FogelyFraud, or #7UpMyAss trending, so we might be out of the woods just enough to address the problem.
As many of you know, I was elated to share that the revered Fogley (known for songs such as Tally Ho and Hamfisted) was going to be opening for our tour. I would never invite an artist that I wasn’t absolutely enamored with to join us. However, as soon as I made this exciting announcement, Fogley abused his power and leaned a dark, disparaging direction. I feel as if I should address this here to clear things up - but mostly - to divorce myself from the problem at hand.
On New Year’s Eve, Fogley entered a McDonald’s on 40th and 8th. This is a completely normal and fine thing to do. He stood in line, admiring all there is to admire, while he waited his turn. His mind was made up on his order: he’d order from the McPick 2 menu, and have a frosty, cool, American 7 Up to wash it all down. When it was his turn to order, Fogley told the kind boy in the yellow and red stripes behind the counter his order. However, the counterman kindly notified Fogley that 7 Up had never been sold at McDonald’s, and he’d have to get a Sprite instead. Fogley insisted he had been coming to McDonald’s for 73 years, and that he’s had a 7 Up every time. The McDonaldsman assured him he was wrong, since McDonald’s was a proud partner of Coca-Cola - a stance antithetical to the distribution of 7 Up. After a 33 minute argument, Fogley stormed out of the McDonalds, and into his local court (for suing). He sued both McDonald’s (for lying) and 7 Up (for enabling), emptying all of his Swiss bank accounts to pay for lawyers skilled enough to go up against Ronald McDonald himself. This posed a problem for the tour - Fogley was attending bi-daily court, and also, had no money. Since I was not going to pay him to come on tour, he needed to have ample savings to pay for his bus, gas, and of course, copious amount of 7 Up in his hourly-rented dressing room. I had to fire Fogley. Although I am a musician first, I am a mogul before that.
I knew my fans would be deeply, deeply disappointed to see that I would only have two remaining openers for tour. However, I did not expect them to take this anger out on me for Fogley’s irresponsible business practices. I admit - it was a bit of difficult moral territory for me. I do not condone being rude to McDonaldsmen, nor do I condone drinking 7 Up - a beverage I have not personally seen since I was at Roger Daltrey’s “stag” party back in ‘06.*
*I did the balloon animals**
**Snakes.
So - long story short - Fogley is no longer a part of the KBWWT: T4EOT5SIRT family. I would not reccomend contributing to his career financially in any way, unless you are a proprietor of drinking 7 Up. In that case, I would recommend avoiding McDonald’s. No matter how much you think they do - they don’t have what you’re looking for in this world. And they’re better for it.
I can’t wait to see you on the road.
Peace and love,
Kayleigh
April 1 2017
I am not going on tour.
March 31 2018
Just kidding. That was an April Fool’s joke.
April 1 2018
Okay. Wait. I’m actually not going on tour.
March 31 2019
Ha! Didn’t you guys learn from last year?
April 2 2019
My loyal fans -
I am not sure I will be able to go on tour.
No. This isn’t a classic Kayleigh prankaroo. I don’t know how to say this, but I need to be honest with you.
Arby’s pulled out of sponsoring the tour. I don’t know where I went wrong. In 2015, they were so excited to be a part of the KBWWT: T4EOT5SIRT family. And now - just because the tour has taken a little longer than expected, they’re pulling the plug on funding completely? I don’t understand it.
I don’t want to vilify the good people at Arby’s - but here is a picture of their CEO, and the scoundrel who promised me sponsorship - Paul DeLaPiggalio - during one of his famous press confrences.
If I were you, I would let Mr. DeLaPiggalio know how you feel about Arby’s decision to stop funding the KBWWT: T4EOT5SIRT. If you DM me on Instagram, I will send you his personal phone number and fax, so you can make sure the message gets across. We will rise up, Kayleigh Nation. We will not let Mr. DeLaPiggalio set us back any longer. Use any means necessary.
Peace and Love,
Kayleigh
May 2 2019
Shit.
It has come to my attention that Mr. DeLaPiggalio may be trying to scam me. I am very confused, as many of you have been telling me that the picture I provided of his likeness is that of a man named Billy Joel, who is a famous singer and a “Pianoman.” I believe there is a chance that Mr. DeLaPiggalio has been dishonest to me, and I will get to the bottom of this.
Peace and love,
Kayleigh
June 9 2019
Okay. So, Mr. DeLaPiggalio got back to me. He said he would still like to sponsor the show - thank GOD - but he needs me to send him a small gift first. $20,000 dollars worth of iTunes gift cards. It may sound like a hefty sum - but who am I to deny the man? If this is a favor that gets him on board to invest billions into KBWWT: T4EOT5SIRT, it’s a small sacrifice I’m willing to make.
June 10 2019
I bought the gift cards. I’ve spent so long scratching the codes off of them for Mr. DeLaPiggalio that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to eat cereal again (I scoop it into my hands, like how men at Sutter’s Mill drank river water). These are the sacrifices I make for my fans.
June 11 2019
Mr. DeLaPiggalio has received the gift cards. Once he e-transfers me the funds he’s promised me, I think we’re back in business.
It’s funny. I woke up this morning and looked out the window. I saw a guy digging through the trash can, presumably for some cool treasure. He was taking bottles out, which were of no use to me, but he seemed to appreciate them. It got me thinking - I’m really lucky to have the fans I have. You are all so hot and normal, and I, for a moment, wished that man outside could hear my incredible music, which is of many genres. All of them good. All of them yours.
I can’t wait to see each and every one of you on the road. I love you. Life is good.
Peace and love,
Kayleigh
June 12 2019
Mr. DeLaPiggalio blocked me.
Fuck.
August 17 2019
Sorry for the wait, everyone. I’ve been doing some soul-searching. I’ve come to a deep and blindsiding conclusion: Mr. DeLaPigglio is, what we call in the digital age, a scammer. I don’t think Arby’s ever agreed to fund my tour. I looked up who the CEO of Arby’s actually is, and it’s some dude named Paul, who definitely doesn’t look like the guy I saw in the picture. I finally google searched Billy Joel, and the resemblance is uncanny.
I fear - deep down - I got got.
I don’t know why bad things happen to gorgeous people. I don’t want to be on this earth as an experiment in finding out. But I can’t keep the fans waiting forever. This tour has to happen. I will make it happen. Mark my words, on my life.
August 18 2021
This is the estate of Kayleigh Birch. She has died a death. A very, very cool death, that so many people were jealous of. She really liked so many of you, and will be holding a public funeral service at The Staples Center. You all having the chance to pay your respects to her was very important, so please be at The Staples Center on Jan. 5, 2022.
December 18 2021
Sorry. At the Crypto.com Arena.
December 19 2022
Scanned and uploaded from message in a (7 Up) bottle -
January 5 2022
Welcome…
To the first night of tour.
UPDATES TO COME
